Congratulations to Breakup Babe on getting that Random House book deal. I noticed it at the top of the blogger news when I wrote my last entry. I meant to comment on it, especially since my last post was about breaking up.

And Happy Thanksgiving to everybody.

Today, I'm going to work a swing shift from eleven to nine. Yes, the restaurant is open today. I know not many restaurants are open on Thanksgiving, but mine is, and it should be a fantastically busy day.

A thing about payment.

The little book that holds your dinner check is called a waiter wallet. We usually call them "books" for short. A waiter wallet is a book with two flaps on the inside to hold papers and a little slot at the top to hold a credit card. Some of the cheaper waiter wallets only have one interior flap and no credit card slot. The really cheap ones aren't even books at all, but vinyl-covered pieces of card stock with a pocket on one side.

At most of my restaurants, we use the book-like, two flapped, credit card slotted types.

Dropping a check on a table is sometimes awkward for a waiter. You and your friend have finished your entrees, declined dessert, and are about finished with your drinks, of which you do not want a refill. At that point, there is no reason for you to be sitting at the table. Sure, you may want to talk for a while and let your food digest, but you are not going to pay for any more food or drinks.

To any rational person, that means it's time to drop the check. How am I to know you might get another beer in half an hour--but don't want anything now--if you don't tell me?

I usually end it like this (after being told no to dessert and drink refills): "Is there anything else at all I can get for you today? No? Okay, then."

Here, I pull out the waiter wallet containing the guests' check, which I cleverly hid in my apron before approaching the table, knowing they weren't going to get anything else. I stand the waiter wallet like a table tent in the center of the table so as not to imply that either one of the guests should pay for the check (knowing that chivalry isn't quite dead, but it is scorned and laughed at). I do this as I'm talking, continuing with, "I'll pick this up and make change or run a credit card for you whenever you're ready."

With that, I walk away from the table. Some of the more experience diners will immediately grab the book and say, "Hold on," while fishing a credit card out of his wallet. I like these kinds of people. Saves me a trip back to the table and the guest time for when he wants to leave.

Usually, people ignore the book (probably some social awkwardness wondering who is going to pay the check) and continue talking. I go on to check on my other tables.

It is not possible to keep constant watch on that single table at this point. I can't stand off to the side watching those two guests for when one of them takes cash or a credit card out of his wallet and puts it in the waiter wallet. Even if I could stand there and watch for this, do you think the guests would want me to?

No. So I go about waiting my other tables.

I will keep passing by the table with the newly dropped check. Every time I go to get an order or a refill for a different table, I'll look at the book on the table and see what stage of paying the guests are at. These are the stages:

1. The book is still standing upright in the same place on the table, which means they haven't done anything with it. Fine, I'll come back.

2. The book is laying down and there is no money or a credit card sticking out of it. One of the guests picked up the book to look at the total on the check, but hasn't yet pulled out a type of payment. Fine, again. I'll come back in a few minutes.

3. The book is laying down and there's money or a credit card sticking out of it. Time to make that change or run that credit card.

Now, you would think that these are the only three options, but there is one more shitty option that far too many people take, and it fucks up the whole payment process. Here it is.

The book looks like it's in stage two, but it's not, it's in stage three. The guest has taken the book, looked at it, and then thrown either cash or a credit card into the book and then closed it, not adjusting the money or credit card so that anyone can tell that there's money or a credit card in it.

And, you know, this is really the point of this post, and while it seems stupid to even mention, it always leads to awkard endings for guests and makes things much shittier than they have to be.

Waiters know that they have to be fast. If you have to wait for a waiter to get drink refills or take your order or bring you a check, you're going to think your waiter sucks. Sometimes rightly so, othertimes not. I'm sure you understand this. If you think the waiter sucks, you're ot going to leave a good tip. Waiters certainly understand that.

You know the Hollywood saying, "You're only as good as your last picture?" For waiters it's "You're only as good as your last task." If I'm right there for your drinks, order, drink refills, food, food extras, desserts, and coffee, you'll either think I'm a good waiter or, because nothing went wrong for you to notice anything, you'll not think of me at all.

(Yes, it does suck that when waiters do eveything exactly right, most people don't notice. It's not unreasonable. How often do you notice things that don't fuck up? Very rarely, because if they're not fucked up, how are you going to notice them?)

So I did everything right all throughout the meal, and now you're ready to leave. Actually, you need to get out of the building right now. You're a law-abiding citizen, so you're not going to skip out on your check. But to pay, you need to have your check, and you need me to bring it to you. If I take ten minutes getting you your check, you think you're going to remember that the coffee was, in fact, fresh when I said it would be, or that your heavily modified food was modified exactly right?

No, you're going to think I'm a slow-ass bastard for making you sit there for ten minutes.

It's this last task I fucked up, and so now my tip just dropped off to nothing, even though all my other work was good.

Again, not saying this is wrong. Any waiter who makes a guest wait for ten minutes must have serious problems.

The point is, bringing the check was the last thing from me you saw. If I had taken ten minutes to get your drink order at the beginning of the meal, then I have all the other steps of the meal to redeem myself. If I do screw up at the beginning, I focus on that table and make damn sure they leave with a good impression. Or, at least, tip with a good impression.

I bring all this up to illustrate that the check is very important, because it's the last job I have to do for a guest. "Check 'n' change," they call it, and it's a four part process. Not only do I have to bring you the check, I then have to go back to pick it up, make the change or run the card, and bring whatever's left back to you.

And I do not want you thinking I'm slow for any of that.

So let's go back to the three stages of me dropping the check. It's on the table, you haven't touched it. This is nothing to me. I'm waiting on you, so I'm in the clear.

Once you touch that book, I have to get over there and make change for you, so you're not thinking, "I wish the waiter would take my payment so I could get the fuck outta here."

But--and this is where stupid social rules get into play--I cannot make it sound like I want you to get out, even if I do. Even if you're my very last table and as soon as you leave I can go home but goddamit you had to order desserts and then coffee and now you're chatting about nothing important and we all know there's no way she's going to sleep with you, you moron.

Obviously, I can't let you think that I'm thinking that. So if I see a book lying on a table and I walk over and say, "I'll be right back with your change," but you're still in stage two--you've looked at the check, but haven't put in any payment--then it looks like I'm rushing you.

And I always get the same stupid line, "Okay, but don't you want me to put some money in it first?"

Har. If you ever think you're being clever by joking with a waiter, I'll tell you now: You're not.

So I'm reluctant to pick up books when they're lying on their sides, because I don't want to give a bad impression. This is why I wait for stage three; payment is in the book.

How can I tell you're at stage three? Because the credit card is in the little credit card slot at the top of the waiter wallet, which makes half the credit card stick out the top of the book where it's easily visible. When you put your card in there and place the book at the edge of the table, I know you're ready to go. If you're paying by cash, stick the cash out of the top or side of the book and I'll know to stop by.

Very simple shit, right?

I'm going to make a guess here, based on a decade of restaurant experience. I would say that about three-fourths of all people do not see the little credit card slot at the top of the book--the one with words "Please place your credit card here"--nor do they think to fan out the money so it's sticking out the side of the book.

They just chuck it in and leave the book wherever it lies, sometimes at the back of the table, away from the aisle.

So what's a waiter to do, if he doesn't see you put your payment in the book at the exact moment you do it?

He's left with this thought, "It's been at least ten minutes since I dropped the check and someone must have paid by now, but I didn't see any payment in the book when I walked by the table, and I'm afraid to just pick it up because I really don't feel like hearing the stupid 'don't you want some money' line, nor do I want to blow my tip because they think I'm rushing them out the door..."

Eventually, the waiter will probably use the shitty language of all waiters and ask the guest if he's "all set with that."

(Waiter language evolved for very precise social reasons, but each one deserves its own entry, and this one's getting too long as it is.)

The waiter's taking a big risk here, depending on the personality type. Some people don't care at all and will just say, "Oh, just a sec..." and pull out payment. Far too many people will act indignant. No, really. Like I'm a total bastard for insisting he pays, or that he's taking too long to pull out his overused credit card, or implying that he's probably gonna skip out on the check because he looks like an overweight loser who shouldn't have eaten all those fries.

Money and food can bring about weird reactions in people.

What's the alternative thought to taking a chance on picking up an empty book? "I don't see any payment and I'm not going to stop by until I do."

If you choose this, then believe me, there is a credit card in that book, and the guest is in a hurry to get out the door. Within a few minutes, that guest is going to hold up the book and wave it around like he's at a semaphore competition. He's going to think why does he have to get YOUR attention, aren't you supposed to be waiting on HIM?

And your tip probably just got shot to shit, regardless of your work during the rest of the evening.

Now, did I just spend a hell of a lot of words basically saying, "Always put your credit cards in the little credit card slot at the top of the book because it makes life for everyone much easier?"

Yes, I did.

But from now on, for the rest of your life, every time you go out to eat in a restaurant, if you don't put your credit card in that little slot at the top of the book--knowing how little effort it takes and how incredibly simple a thing it is to do to make the end of the meal go that much smoother--you are going to know--not think, but know--that you're being a total asshole.

And that's good enough for me.

(Keep in mind that if you do always put that card in that slot, then you're a very cool person and we want you to come back and sit in our sections every time. Thanks for being considerate of others and aware of your surroundings. Good job.)