Party of Five or Fifteen

August and September are the slowest months in many types of restaurants, so while I've been standing around not making money I've had a lot of conversations with other waiters. When we're not talking about who's fucking who (biggest topic) and where (ugh), movies or comics (much smaller group on the comics side), we talk about the job itself. This sort of conversation usually soon turns into What I Hate the Most.

These hates fall in two categories: the actions of our guests, and the actions of our coworkers.

I'm not in the mood to talk about lazy busboys. Let's talk about guests.

(If I haven't mentioned it before, I never refer to People Who Eat In Restaurants as "customers." I always call them guests. Most waiters call them customers. I think "guest" is a more accurate word for People Who Eat In Restaurants than "customer," that's all. Serving a guest implies hospitality, instead of only service. There is a difference.)

Generally, waiters make the same complaints about guests: they're bad tippers, they make impossible demands and whiney complaints (translated as "What can I get for free?"), and show a total lack of understanding for both principles of business ("Seven dollars for a chicken sandwich? That's outrageous! I can buy chicken at the grocery store for a dollar!") and principles of science ("What do you mean it's taking longer for my extra extra well done steak to cook?").

These are all general gripes. Recently, when I mentioned something that really annoys me, I found out that it tops the list of irritations for many other waiters, too.

The shortest name I can give this is "Large Groups of People Who Don't Arrive at the Same Time."

That's a bad name for it. It goes like this:

Mr. Underhill makes a reservation for ten people at seven o'clock. At seven-twenty, Mr. Underhill and his wife arrive. At seven-thirty, Mr. Underhill's brother and sister-in-law show up. At seven-forty-five, The Underhill's son, daughter-in-law, and two nephews come running in. At eight, Mr. Underhill's lawyer gets there. They're still not sure if Mrs. Birchly, the nice old lady down the street, got the message to attend.

Why does this make the job of waiting difficult? First, a word about reservations in general: Reservations are hated by waiters. And for good reason, too. Half the time, people who make reservations don't show up. More than that, they don't cancel. Wouldn't be nearly so bad if they cancelled.

The other night, I was in a section with three four-top booths and one six-top table. The six-top was reserved for a group of five at six. I started my shift at four, so for two hours, that table sat empty. By six-thirty, I had asked the hostesses at least three times if this group was still coming or if they had cancelled. No one had heard anything. After thirty minutes, we assumed the guests-to-be forgot their reservation and put the table back into rotation to be seated. There was a reservation for five people at seven-thirty, so the hostesses marked my six-top table for that. This group showed up at about ten to eight and stayed for an hour and a half. The table was bussed and reset just in time for the hostesses to stop seating my section, because the back room where I was working closes at around nine-thirty or ten, depending on business.
So because of reservations, my largest table was seated one time in five and a half hours. That is a good deal of lost income for me. I would have rather had a string of couples (two-tops) sitting there all night. Four chairs on each round would have sat empty, but making money on two people is making no money at all. Also, couples usually take about forty-five minutes to eat. I might have had six couples sit there--twelve people total--throughout my shift, instead of what I did get, which was only five.

(If you average a tip of three dollars a person, the difference was making fifteen bucks instead of thirty-six.)

Sure, I had three other booths to take care of, but as with any job, you want to make the most money possible, and having some of your money-making tools (in this case, my six-top table) left unused is not only unproductive and unprofitable, it's really god damn annoying.

So reservations that show, waiters don't mind so much. Reservations that don't, waiters hate.
Now we go back to the Underhills, who trickled in over the course of an hour. This time, we'll see it from the point of view of the waiter.

At seven, the waiter is thinking he's about to get sat. (Restaurant lingo is riddled with this kind of bizarre language. You "get sat" when the hostess seats some people at a table in your section.) He catches up his other tables and gets ready to greet his ten top, which will be arriving any minute now.

A good hostess staff will stop seating the waiter's other tables here, so he doesn't have to greet a ten-top just as he gets one or more other smaller groups. Sadly, most restaurants don't have good hostess staffs.

At ten after seven, the waiter is hoping they're not too much later. At seven-fifteen, he's thinking he's gonna get fucked again. He goes the hostess stand and asks if there was a cancellation. No message, so they hold the table. Most restaurants have a policy of holding tables.

The hostess decides to seat the waiter's other tables. She does this JUST as Mr. Underhill and his wife walk in the door. (This is called getting "double-sat," if I haven't already mentioned it.)
Now, before this turns into a stupid sitcom, let's drop the whole double sat thing. Yes, that does happen, and just as I described it, but it just clutters the example.

Mr. Underhill and his wife come in at seven-twenty and sit down. The waiter says hello and tells them the daily specials. He also asks about the rest of the party. Underhill says they'll be in soon. The waiter asks to get a drink for Mr. and Mrs. Underhill. They get alcohol, meaning the waiter has to do a call at the bar. This takes considerably longer than getting a Coke or tea from a side station.

The waiter comes back from the bar with the drinks in a few minutes. He sets them down and asks if the Underhills want any appetizers. They say they'll wait for the others. The waiter walks off.

At seven-thirty, Mr. Underhill's brother and sister-in-law show up. The waiter comes back to get their drink orders. Another trip to the bar. The four guests still don’t want to order, prefering to wait for the others. The brother asks what the soup of the day is. The waiter tells him and walks off.

At seven-forty-five, the Underhill's son, daughter-in-law, and two nephews come running in. The older two get drinks from the bar, the kids get soft drinks. When the waiter comes back from the bar, no one is ready to order, nor do they want to, preferring to wait for the other two. The daughter-in-law asks what the soup of the day is.

At eight, Mr. Underhill's lawyer gets there. He wants a Coke. The waiter gives him a Coke and asks the group if they want to wait for their last person to show before they order. Mr. Underhill says yes. The waiter starts to walk away. The brother asks if they could get some appetizers. The waiter hears this and comes back, then takes the appetizer order. He starts to leave. The sister-in-law's kid is crying. The sister-in-law orders food for the kids, asking for it to come out with the appetizers. The waiter starts to leave again, only to be stopped by the lawyer, who wants to know what the soup of the day is.

Before leaving the table again, he asks one more time--to be perfectly clear--"Do you want to wait until the last person arrives before you order your entrees?"

Mr. Underhill says "Yes." A few people grunt "Yeah." The rest nod their heads.

The appetizers and kiddie food come out on time in about ten minutes. The waiter checks on them. They're fine. One person needs another drink. The waiter gets it.

Twenty minutes later, the waiter clears the appetizer plates. Both kids need drink refils. Nothing else.

Fifteen minutes pass. The waiter keeps walking by the table, but at this point he can't ask "Are you SURE you don't want to order now?" without sounding like a pushy asshole. He's already asked about the ordering thing several times. No one says anything to him.

A couple minutes later, the waiter is in his side station, putting in an order for another table, when Mr. Underhill taps him on the shoulder. "We're ready to order," he says, with that tone of "You stupid mother fucker, why do I have to get up to tell you this? YOU are supposed to wait on US!"

The waiter hurries back to the table. The tenth chair is still empty. Mrs. Underhill looks annoyed. The kids are both finished eating and looking for something else to do. The other women are obviously hungry and irritated.

The waiter tries to make a joke out of it. "Gave up on the last person, huh?" No one responds, as if there never was supposed to be any tenth person, and why the hell didn't the waiter take the order an hour ago?

They all order their entrees. Some get refills on their drinks. The waiter orders the food, putting a "rush" on it.

Five minutes later, Mrs. Birchly arrives. She flags down the waiter and asks him what the soup of the day is. She needs some time to read the menu. She orders a hot tea.

The waiter comes back a few minutes later to find that Mrs. Birchly has been chatting with Mr. Underhill about her new hat. The waiter asks what she'd like to order. She says she hasn't looked at the menu yet.

A few minutes after that, when the waiter is taking an order at another table, Mrs. Birchly flags him down, saying she's been waiting to order her food. The waiter takes her order, just as the food for the rest of the people arrive.

The waiter puts a "Super Rush: Late Arrival" memo on Mrs. Birchly's food. He goes back to the table to check on everyone (make sure everyone likes what they're eating and see if anyone needs anything else). They've had their food for about three minutes now. Mrs. Birchly asks how much longer it'll be on her lobster. The waiter says, "Soon."

Because everyone was so hungry, they are all (minus Mrs. Birchly) finished eating within ten minutes. The waiter starts clearing the empty plates, avoiding the angry glare of Mrs. Birchly. Her lobster comes out just then. She asks for more hot water.

Mr. Underhill says that no one wants any dessert (without asking if anyone actually does). The nine people stare at Mrs. Birchly while she eats her lobster. Everyone is slightly uncomfortable, although no one will say (or maybe even knows) why.

Mr. Underhill asks for the check. The waiter brings it, runs Underhill's credit card, and says thanks. Mr. Underhill leaves him an average tip. The party leaves in an average mood.

Now, I've tried not to make this all goofy and outlandish. The timing may be a little more precise than usual, but this sort of thing happens to me about once a week. A large party trickles in and can't make up its mind on what it wants to do. Some want to wait, some want to order. They tell me to do one thing, then get annoyed when I do it.

What's the message for today? If you plan to go out as a group, SHOW UP AS A GROUP. And if you don't, understand that a waiter can only do what you tell him.

And now, other concerns about large parties.

In the above example, the waiter had to go to the bar several times to get the first drinks for each guest that arrived. Here's what going to the bar usually means.

If someone orders a gin and tonic, a waiter can't make it himself. He has to order it in the computer. Then he has to go to the bar to get it. Again, he can't make it himself. He has to wait for the bartender to make it. There are two main methods of this. The most common is when he orders it in the computer, a little piece of paper prints at the bar with the words "GIN AND TONIC" on it. The bartender--as soon as he can, which can be up to a few minutes--then makes the drink and leaves it in the window. The other method is that the little piece of paper prints at the waiter's computer, and he has to take that to the bar, tell the bartender what he wants, and then wait for the bartender to make it.

(Both these methods are theft-deterents. Bartenders are held accountable for liquor usage. Waiters are not, because there are so many of them.)

If a group arrives all at once, and each person gets an alcoholic drink, the waiter will ring them all in the computer, get the drinks from the bar, then bring them back to the table. Simple. When people trickle in, ordering as they arrive, the waiter has to do these same steps over and over again. This takes a lot more time (as I'm sure you understand. Consolidating steps makes any action more efficient.).

I suddenly feel the need to defend waiters again. Yes, we are there to serve you and all that, but the more efficient you are, the more efficient we can be. Most people who complain that a waiter's service sucks are the same people who send him back to the kitchen for multiple items at different times.

(Every waiter's had this happen. You drop off a cheeseburger and ask the guest if he wants anything else. The guests says he wants some mayonaise, so the waiter goes back to the kitchen and gets him some mayonaise. Then the guy says he wants some onion, so the waiter goes back to the kitchen to get the guest some onions. Then the guest asks for an extra pickle… Even asking, "Is that all you need right now?" doesn't work. The guest won't realize he wants something else until the waiter returns. Happens more than you think. And waiters always think the same thing: Get your shit together, moron!)

Here's another large party problem: at a table of ten people, everyone has ordered an entrée. ONE person ordered chicken wings as an appetizer, and he wants it as an appetizer. He does not want it with his entrée. So the waiter orders the food as that guest has asked.

This REALLY pisses people off. And people don't seem to understand why it happens. Let me explain it to you.

If a person, eating alone, orders chicken wings and a steak, here's how the order will work: the cook will make the chicken wings immediately. As soon as the wings are finished and brought to the table, the cook will start grilling the steak. It takes about ten minutes to cook a steak (temperature depending), which is about how long it takes to eat an order of wings. The steak will be finished just as the appetizer plates are cleared. This way, the guest will eat fresh chicken wings and then a nice, hot steak. If the steak and wings were cooked at the same time, the steak would get dry and shitty while the guest ate the wings. By the time the steak got to the table, it might still taste okay, but it won't taste as good as when it was first prepared.

This is all common sense right? Let's add nine people to this guy's table, as above. The ten entrees and one appetizer are ordered to the kitchen. The cook starts making the chicken wings. In about ten minutes, when the wings are ready, the cook starts preparing the ten entrees. The one guy at the table is eating his wings, while the other nine people are staring at him, getting hungrier. The one guy feels awkward because these are HIS wings, dammit, and if the others wanted some, they should have gotten an order themselves. The other guests are getting impatient. It's now been fifteen minutes and their food's not ready. The food WON'T be ready until at least the twenty minute mark. If anyone ordered a well done steak, it could take twenty minutes to cook, on top of the ten minutes while the wings were being prepared.

I've had people get very angry at me for this sort of thing. It's usually older people (not known for patience with food), but what am I gonna say? "Sorry your food's taking ten minutes longer than it should, but THAT GUY RIGHT THERE is the cause of it."

There is nothing I can say. I can only look like an incompetent moron who can't make the kitchen do magic.

What are the solutions? Prepare all the food at once? Great. So one person is going to have a plate of wings AND a steak with side orders arrive all at once. I'm sure that's what he wanted. How about making the wings arrive with all the other entrees and then have that guy's steak come out later? So when everyone else is finished eating, the guy with the wings will just be getting his steak. Then everyone can stare at him and hope he hurries the fuck up so they can all leave.

The solution is this: when you're part of a large party at a restaurant, pay attention to what other people are eating. If no one else gets an appetizer except for you, then you are going to be the asshole of the group, right there with your waiter. At least tell the group at large that you're getting an appetizer and ask if anyone else wants one. Then they certainly can't complain when you're eating and they're not.

As with most things, the solution comes down to simple communcation.

Man, this was a long post. But this is my Blog about waiting tables, and if I'm going to write about waiting tables, by gum, I'm gonna write about the things that piss people off the most.