Perception of Incompetence
There are many good lines about waiting tables. Perception of Service and Sense of Urgency come to mind right now. If you've never waited tables--and there are far too many of you out there who have not--these may not mean anything to you.
Perception of Service is how the guest thinks you served him. If you're a great waiter and performed like one (no forgotten or fucked up orders) without having to put forth any real effort, the guest might think you did not do a good job because you didn't appear to be working hard. More than that, you might appear to not really care, either. So there goes your tip. Sometimes, a not so experienced waiter makes a better tip because the guest thought he was working very hard. Perception of Service also sometimes refers to simple details, like turning the handle on a coffee cup toward the guest after putting the cup on the table. If you understand why this is important, then you understand Perception of Service.
Sense of Urgency just means that you appear to give a damn that the guest is taken care of. You don't have to act like a spastic moron to show a Sense of Urgency. Have you ever walked into a store and needed help with something, only to be treated by a clerk like you're an idiot who's interrupting his phone call. Or felt like a stupid pest when all you wanted to do was quickly buy something and get out? That is the exact opposite of Sense of Urgency.
Perception of Service and Sense of Urgency encompass so many different things it's hard to concisely define the phrases. It basically means you act like a good host. I'm hoping you non-waiting, non-retail readers are intuitive enough to know what I mean.
In my ten years now of restaurant work (with a few exceptions while I "got a real job"), I've always analysed the trade of waiting tables. I've always quickly become a server-trainer. I spoke up with helpful hints at staff meetings and had many productive ideas to give out during the pre-shift meeting.
(And why do people keep spelling "lose" "loose?" It's gotten so bad I've even seen it in print a few times. A typo on the net is a simple mistake, but to get past a print writer and his editor?)
So I tend to analyse this job of waiting tables a lot--
(Also: "A lot" is TWO words, like "You have a lot of fish." Not "We hate alot of people.")
--and that's why I feel confident to write about it here. This isn't just because I feel like running my cyber mouth. I have two reasons: the first is that my movie about waiting tables will be that much funnier (having failed once, I'll probably never try to shoot it again, but I still want to write the damn thing). The bigger reason is so that YOU, the restaurant-going public, will stop being such inconsiderate assholes when you go out to eat.
So I still don't qualify as an altruist.
All restaurant managers want their waiters to be efficient. The faster people eat and get out the door, the faster new people come in to spend more money. The tables in a waiter's section are what make his money. So waiters need to anticipate the guest's needs.
Part of this is always carrying an updated copy of the guest's check so that as soon as the guest says, "Check, please," the waiter can give it to him.
(No, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "Check, please." It's sorta like "Beam me up, Scotty" or "Play it again, Sam" in that it's a cliche that came from nowhere. Most people say, "We'll take the check." Some say, "We're ready to go, so..." and never actually ask for the check. Some say, "I'm ready for the ticket." Yes, "ticket." Where do these people come from?")
I rarely follow management-type waiting bullshit. I don't "sell" people on expensive items. I don't "push" anything, especially desserts or alcohol. You know that line of "Treat others how you want to be treated?" I hate pushy people, especially salespeople. When someone sits in my section, I ask, "What would you like to order?" If you have a question, I'll answer it. You want to know what's good, I'll ask you what sort of things you generally like to eat. Chicken or fish. Spicy or mild. I usually recommend cheeseburgers, because restaurants make good cheeseburgers. If you want to see a dessert menu, I'll give you one and describe every item on it, but I won't shove one in your face. I won't even say, "Don't forget about dessert. Ours are excellent and you should get one." All I do is ask if you want to see the dessert menu. If you say no, then it's dropped immediately. I am not a corporate whore.
I don't always carry the updated checks on me, but I do keep copies when the guests are about ready to leave, like when the dinner plates are cleared and the guests are finishing their drinks or thinking about dessert. That's when I print a new check and carry it with me in a waiter wallet.
The other day, a guest said, as I cleared his plate, "No dessert tonight. I'll just take a check." Holding his plate and his wife's plate in my left hand, I pulled out the waiter wallet containing his check with my right and set it on the table. Very efficient, right? Restaurant managers everywhere would be proud of me.
Here's what the guest said: "Oh, in a hurry to get rid of us, are you? Need the space for someone else?" He looked around, "Doesn't seem to be that much of a wait right now." He said all of this very quickly, with a somewhat jocular tone (I hate that "I might be joking, but I might not" tone people use with waiters. Makes me think they're just trying to get something for free, which they more than occasionally are.)
I quickly said something like, "No, not at all. Just trying to be efficent. Take your time. Would either of you like refills on your drinks." I'm sure I sounded like I was backpeddling. But what else could I do? I really wasn't trying to get him out. I had other open tables and it was a fairly slow night. There was no wait at all. I honestly was just trying to be efficient. But his PERCEPTION was that I was rushing him. And that sort of perception is very, very bad at a time like this.
This guy was not being a dick, but he said enough to make me wonder if he was really annoyed. This is the worst time of the evening to irritate a guest. If you're slow getting his drinks or extra condiments at the beginning of the meal, you still have time to make it up throughout the rest of the night. But dropping the check is usually the last interaction you have with a guest. Even if you did everything perfectly all night, taking too long to give a guest his check or his change can quickly drop your tip from twenty pecent to ten, just because of that immediate irritation the guest is feeling by having to wait. This irritation is doubled if the rest of his group is already walking out the door and he's sitting there alone, his food and drink finished, with nothing to do.
Time is subjective in restaurants.
In the end, this guy left me sixteen or seventeen percent. Not bad, but not great. No way to know if I had fucked up the tip at the end, of if he was just a crappy tipper.
I usually don't do that sort of quick draw shit with checks for this exact reason. I don't want guests to feel rushed. Most of the times when people asked for the check, I've had it right there in my apron but still walked away and returned a couple minutes later so it looked like I went out of my way just to do something for them.
And that is called good Perception of Service. It is not always about being efficient. It's about, in a way, lying, which is all good waiting really is.
And in the waiting tables movie I wrote, there is a scene where this is demonstrated. A guest asks for the check. I walk off to get it and he gives me shit about not being prepared and, hence, being a shitty waiter. Later, a guy asks for the check, and I give it to him immediately. He response pretty much the way the guy the other night did. In the interests of comedy, neither guy tipped me. This illustrates a few things:
One, I still occasionally make the same stupid waiting mistakes I've made for years, even though I know better.
Two, there is no Standard of Service. People have very different expectations when they go out to eat. A simple example: clearing someone's plate when he's obviously finished eating. One type of person will expect you to clear his plate as soon as he's finished and will think you're an incompetant moron if you don't do this. The other type of person will be offended if you attempt to clear his plate before everyone else at the table is finished eating. He will think you're an incompetant moron if you don't know you're not supposed to clear one plate before you clear all the others. Getting this very specific preference wrong can sometimes totally fuck your tip.
Three, the set ups of the scenes in my waiting tables movie (Hereafter referred to by its very simple and not-too-original title "Wait") are timeless: they keep happening over and over again. Also, it would have been one damnably funny movie if only I had a crapload of money to make it (And for the ninetieth time it's not just a rip off of "Clerks" set in a restaurant, dammit.)
I think this concludes today's Waiting Life lesson.
(And Looking back on it, "Beam me up, Scotty" and "Play it again, Sam" are not good analogies for "Check, please." "Check, please" at least HAS been heard in lots of movies and tv shows, like in every eighties romantic comedy just as the girl reveals she's ready to now have sex for the first time. "Check, please" is always a good punch at the end of a joke. Didn't Billy Crystal say that after Meg Ryan's fake orgasm? Aside from "When Harry Met Sally," the restaurants in those types of movies are very, very nice. It's much funnier when a girl gets all hot and sexy in a classy joint. Or when Ghostbusters fling slime or Blues Brothers drink out of the wrong glasses.)
I love the movies.
There are many good lines about waiting tables. Perception of Service and Sense of Urgency come to mind right now. If you've never waited tables--and there are far too many of you out there who have not--these may not mean anything to you.
Perception of Service is how the guest thinks you served him. If you're a great waiter and performed like one (no forgotten or fucked up orders) without having to put forth any real effort, the guest might think you did not do a good job because you didn't appear to be working hard. More than that, you might appear to not really care, either. So there goes your tip. Sometimes, a not so experienced waiter makes a better tip because the guest thought he was working very hard. Perception of Service also sometimes refers to simple details, like turning the handle on a coffee cup toward the guest after putting the cup on the table. If you understand why this is important, then you understand Perception of Service.
Sense of Urgency just means that you appear to give a damn that the guest is taken care of. You don't have to act like a spastic moron to show a Sense of Urgency. Have you ever walked into a store and needed help with something, only to be treated by a clerk like you're an idiot who's interrupting his phone call. Or felt like a stupid pest when all you wanted to do was quickly buy something and get out? That is the exact opposite of Sense of Urgency.
Perception of Service and Sense of Urgency encompass so many different things it's hard to concisely define the phrases. It basically means you act like a good host. I'm hoping you non-waiting, non-retail readers are intuitive enough to know what I mean.
In my ten years now of restaurant work (with a few exceptions while I "got a real job"), I've always analysed the trade of waiting tables. I've always quickly become a server-trainer. I spoke up with helpful hints at staff meetings and had many productive ideas to give out during the pre-shift meeting.
- New Restaurant Term: "Pre-Shift Meeting." Most restaurants call it something else, like "Line Up" or "Menu Class." This is the time when all the waiters for that shift get together with a manager or chef (and that's sometimes the same person) to go over the specials of the day and talk about any upcoming special events or happenings. Sometimes the information is just "We have a crapload of reservations at noon" or "We've only got two bussers so try and help them out." There might be a few longer-term announcements, too, like "There's a staff-meeting next Saturday" or "We're all going rafting in two weeks." More fun restaurants will announce things like "Jennifer apparently has syphilis" or "I've finally snapped and will soon kill all of you. Have a great lunch." In my experience, the only restaurants that don't have any type of pre-shift meeting are the ones that don't offer an extensive menu. If the food is the same every day, there's really no point in getting everyone together, especially if you're just going to kill everyone after lunch.
(And why do people keep spelling "lose" "loose?" It's gotten so bad I've even seen it in print a few times. A typo on the net is a simple mistake, but to get past a print writer and his editor?)
So I tend to analyse this job of waiting tables a lot--
(Also: "A lot" is TWO words, like "You have a lot of fish." Not "We hate alot of people.")
--and that's why I feel confident to write about it here. This isn't just because I feel like running my cyber mouth. I have two reasons: the first is that my movie about waiting tables will be that much funnier (having failed once, I'll probably never try to shoot it again, but I still want to write the damn thing). The bigger reason is so that YOU, the restaurant-going public, will stop being such inconsiderate assholes when you go out to eat.
So I still don't qualify as an altruist.
All restaurant managers want their waiters to be efficient. The faster people eat and get out the door, the faster new people come in to spend more money. The tables in a waiter's section are what make his money. So waiters need to anticipate the guest's needs.
Part of this is always carrying an updated copy of the guest's check so that as soon as the guest says, "Check, please," the waiter can give it to him.
(No, I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "Check, please." It's sorta like "Beam me up, Scotty" or "Play it again, Sam" in that it's a cliche that came from nowhere. Most people say, "We'll take the check." Some say, "We're ready to go, so..." and never actually ask for the check. Some say, "I'm ready for the ticket." Yes, "ticket." Where do these people come from?")
I rarely follow management-type waiting bullshit. I don't "sell" people on expensive items. I don't "push" anything, especially desserts or alcohol. You know that line of "Treat others how you want to be treated?" I hate pushy people, especially salespeople. When someone sits in my section, I ask, "What would you like to order?" If you have a question, I'll answer it. You want to know what's good, I'll ask you what sort of things you generally like to eat. Chicken or fish. Spicy or mild. I usually recommend cheeseburgers, because restaurants make good cheeseburgers. If you want to see a dessert menu, I'll give you one and describe every item on it, but I won't shove one in your face. I won't even say, "Don't forget about dessert. Ours are excellent and you should get one." All I do is ask if you want to see the dessert menu. If you say no, then it's dropped immediately. I am not a corporate whore.
I don't always carry the updated checks on me, but I do keep copies when the guests are about ready to leave, like when the dinner plates are cleared and the guests are finishing their drinks or thinking about dessert. That's when I print a new check and carry it with me in a waiter wallet.
The other day, a guest said, as I cleared his plate, "No dessert tonight. I'll just take a check." Holding his plate and his wife's plate in my left hand, I pulled out the waiter wallet containing his check with my right and set it on the table. Very efficient, right? Restaurant managers everywhere would be proud of me.
Here's what the guest said: "Oh, in a hurry to get rid of us, are you? Need the space for someone else?" He looked around, "Doesn't seem to be that much of a wait right now." He said all of this very quickly, with a somewhat jocular tone (I hate that "I might be joking, but I might not" tone people use with waiters. Makes me think they're just trying to get something for free, which they more than occasionally are.)
I quickly said something like, "No, not at all. Just trying to be efficent. Take your time. Would either of you like refills on your drinks." I'm sure I sounded like I was backpeddling. But what else could I do? I really wasn't trying to get him out. I had other open tables and it was a fairly slow night. There was no wait at all. I honestly was just trying to be efficient. But his PERCEPTION was that I was rushing him. And that sort of perception is very, very bad at a time like this.
This guy was not being a dick, but he said enough to make me wonder if he was really annoyed. This is the worst time of the evening to irritate a guest. If you're slow getting his drinks or extra condiments at the beginning of the meal, you still have time to make it up throughout the rest of the night. But dropping the check is usually the last interaction you have with a guest. Even if you did everything perfectly all night, taking too long to give a guest his check or his change can quickly drop your tip from twenty pecent to ten, just because of that immediate irritation the guest is feeling by having to wait. This irritation is doubled if the rest of his group is already walking out the door and he's sitting there alone, his food and drink finished, with nothing to do.
Time is subjective in restaurants.
In the end, this guy left me sixteen or seventeen percent. Not bad, but not great. No way to know if I had fucked up the tip at the end, of if he was just a crappy tipper.
I usually don't do that sort of quick draw shit with checks for this exact reason. I don't want guests to feel rushed. Most of the times when people asked for the check, I've had it right there in my apron but still walked away and returned a couple minutes later so it looked like I went out of my way just to do something for them.
And that is called good Perception of Service. It is not always about being efficient. It's about, in a way, lying, which is all good waiting really is.
And in the waiting tables movie I wrote, there is a scene where this is demonstrated. A guest asks for the check. I walk off to get it and he gives me shit about not being prepared and, hence, being a shitty waiter. Later, a guy asks for the check, and I give it to him immediately. He response pretty much the way the guy the other night did. In the interests of comedy, neither guy tipped me. This illustrates a few things:
One, I still occasionally make the same stupid waiting mistakes I've made for years, even though I know better.
Two, there is no Standard of Service. People have very different expectations when they go out to eat. A simple example: clearing someone's plate when he's obviously finished eating. One type of person will expect you to clear his plate as soon as he's finished and will think you're an incompetant moron if you don't do this. The other type of person will be offended if you attempt to clear his plate before everyone else at the table is finished eating. He will think you're an incompetant moron if you don't know you're not supposed to clear one plate before you clear all the others. Getting this very specific preference wrong can sometimes totally fuck your tip.
Three, the set ups of the scenes in my waiting tables movie (Hereafter referred to by its very simple and not-too-original title "Wait") are timeless: they keep happening over and over again. Also, it would have been one damnably funny movie if only I had a crapload of money to make it (And for the ninetieth time it's not just a rip off of "Clerks" set in a restaurant, dammit.)
I think this concludes today's Waiting Life lesson.
(And Looking back on it, "Beam me up, Scotty" and "Play it again, Sam" are not good analogies for "Check, please." "Check, please" at least HAS been heard in lots of movies and tv shows, like in every eighties romantic comedy just as the girl reveals she's ready to now have sex for the first time. "Check, please" is always a good punch at the end of a joke. Didn't Billy Crystal say that after Meg Ryan's fake orgasm? Aside from "When Harry Met Sally," the restaurants in those types of movies are very, very nice. It's much funnier when a girl gets all hot and sexy in a classy joint. Or when Ghostbusters fling slime or Blues Brothers drink out of the wrong glasses.)
I love the movies.
posted by Dan @ 4:29 PM
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